Memories

I was looking for a photograph of me and an old friend, and I just couldn’t find it anywhere.  It’s a digital picture, so I knew it had to be on one of the 50 archive DVD/CDs I have in one of my filing cabinet drawers.  So I’ve spent the last probably 3 hours going down memory lane.

The backups go back to 2001, and cover many different parts of my life.  I’ve found 3 audio mix CDs that are pretty good (well, except for the fact that a Paris Hilton song just came on the CD I’m listening to at the moment), that I’ve been listening to while weeding through the past.

There are things that are hard to see again.  There are blog entries that were hard to write, but even harder to read now 4 years later.  There are text files that I wrote to try to keep myself up during the down times with Eddie, quotes he said from texts and IMs and things I remembered him saying.  Those were even harder to read than the blog entries.  I had to go to Eddie’s office and get a big bear hug after reading those.

There are also things that make me sad.  I was so incredibly insecure, I thought I was fat and ugly and that no one would ever want me.  I don’t know if anyone else would get that vibe by reading these things, but I do.  I suppose it’s probably because I actually lived in that 21 year old body, and remember how miserable I was.

It’s easy to get caught up in being miserable when the only one in your tunnel vision never asks you out.   But, I finally just gave up on him and moved on.  I don’t think he ever even knew how I felt, to be honest.  Boys can be dumb sometimes.

But, we’re friends now, at least on Facebook.  I will say…it’s hard to not be friends with the person that cared enough to sing at your grandfather’s funeral.  No matter whether or not he ever asked you out on that date you wanted so badly.

However, I will say that finding the love of my life in Eddie makes me forget about everyone else on the planet that I ever liked/thought I was in love with.  It really does make you realize just how much you weren’t in love…how much of it was just being young and getting caught up in a whirlwind.

And check out what I said was the soundtrack to my life:

Love Will Always Win by Faith Hill
Stop Falling by Pink
Beautiful Goodbye by Amanda Marshall
Outside by Aaron Lewis of Staind and Fred Durst
Who I Am by Jessica Andrews
Nobody Knows by Tony Rich Project
I Wanna Be With You by Mandy Moore
As I Lay Me Down by Sophie B. Hawkins
Looking In by Mariah Carey
Somewhere, Someday by Jennifer Paige
Driftin’ Away by Garth Brooks
Uninvited by Alanis Morrissette
Just My Imagination by Gwyneth Paltrow and Babyface
Have You Ever by Brandy
Dear Diary by Britney Spears
Did You Ever Love Somebody by Jessica Simpson
Everytime I Close My Eyes by Vanessa Amorosi
Long, Long Time by Mindy McCready
Mercy by Tabitha Fair
Reflection by Christina Aguilera

Can you get ANY MORE PATHETIC?

But, as Jess told me the other day, “You always did like a ballad, boo.”  lol

There are things that are fun to read, things I wrote in my 21 year old infinite wisdom.

Things like the 5 million question questionnaire that Steph wrote for me.

Like the ‘random facts about me’:

• tall, very fair, blonde hair, blue eyes, of british decent, loyal.
• absolutely adores .. my friends, singing, music, reading, taking pictures, computers, watching tv, diet pepsi, vanilla swiss almond haagen daas, cafe mochas, magazines, babies, charlie brown, winter, snow, the cold, red scarves, victoria’s secret, my beaded purse, j crew, my cell phone, tommy hilfiger, hammond’s cinnamon ribbon candy, ralph lauren, roses, ‘the godfather’, the sound of an electric guitar, abercrombie & fitch, thunderstorms, video games, ducks, harmony kingdom, donald duck, monopoly, candles, reese sticks, chanel makeup, carmex, tiffany’s, saks fifth avenue, the shoe department at nordstrom’s, neiman marcus catalogs, fire jolly ranchers, documentary type shows on a&e or the discovery channel or the history channel, ’law & order’, ‘friends’, dvds, black cars, waterford, hotel rooms.
• dreams of .. being in love..and being loved in return..the kind of love that just radiates around to everyone else.
• rather detests .. spiders, the smell of vanilla, computer errors, failing, being hurt, not pleasing someone, being ignored, people that lie, being out in the rain, having to go to sleep, having to wake up, drawing, rude people, needles, exercising, deep water, memories that just won’t fade away, confrontations, taking notes in class.

I’m still the same when it comes to just about all of this stuff.  The only thing is I don’t think I’m as materialistic as I used to be…most all the designers and stores wouldn’t be on my “absolutely adores” list now.  Although, I can’t lie…Tiffany’s still would be.

The thing that caught me was the line about what I dreamed of.  “being in love..and being loved in return..the kind of love that just radiates around to everyone else.“  I have found that.  And that makes me smile, to know that my 21 year old self will be happy, incredibly and stupidly happy, in about 3 years.  She’ll be miserable for about a year, but it’ll all work out just wonderful.

(I found the picture, by the way.  Had to find it, just in case he becomes famous someday.)