Telling stories

I don’t know if it’s BECAUSE I’m half asleep and just think so or what, but it seems that when I’m in that little world between being fully awake and asleep I can write great.  The words make sense together and just flow out like water from a faucet.

I really don’t know.  I hope that I can one day tap into that part of my brain while I”m fully awake…perhaps if I do, I can become a really great writer.

I’m just not one, I don’t feel.  I feel like I can’t write out a story or whatever in a way that makes people want to read it.  I would give anything to be able to write like Rebecca Woolf, the way she writes amazes me.  How she wrote about her grandmother and her son seriously nearly blew me away.  I just sat here in awe.

I want to strike someone like that.  I want to be THAT good at something.

And I’m terrified that I never will be.  I mean, I’m nearly 30, and I STILL haven’t found my “thing”?  Doesn’t that mean that I probably never will?

I like many things.  I like singing, working on computers, making jewelry.  Of those things, making jewelry is what makes me the happiest.  I can sit and make jewelry for hours at a time and forget to eat, pee, everything.  BUT, I can’t come up with ideas on my own, which we’ve already covered.

I love to sing, but it’s like that’s a private thing between me, myself and I.  I never have let anyone hear my true voice, I’ve always hid it from everyone.  I only belt it out when I know I’m alone, or when the music is loud enough that it can’t be heard.  Even when I was in high school and going to a vocal coach, she didn’t hear it either.  The reason why I hide it is because I don’t want to be told I sound bad.  I still have a little bit of a dream to become a famous, successful singer.  I will have that dream until I die.  But I just can’t do it, I have horrible stage fright and am terrified to allow anyone to hear my true voice because of failure and rejection.

The only thing I feel like I am truly really good at is loving my family.  Which I guess is definitely better than, well, NOT being good at that.  And I, thankfully, have myself a wonderful family that love me just as well as I love them.

Thank you Eddie, Mama, and Daddy for being the bestest family a girl could ask for.